Elric's Secret Part Deux

 Work is ended, time for ART ATTACK!

Anyone know what this is based on?

FREE LEAGUE and/or GOODMAN, I am open for commissions!

Elric’s Secret

I’ve started practicing art again for a NUNA. There’s a little teaser of an Elric piece I’m working on inspired by the new RPG news.

Who am I?

 A friend sent me a huuuuge osr bloglist.

This is how they described my humble tomb:

"Deconstructive game (re)design, wonky inspirations."

Sounds good!

What did they make of your blog?

List is HERE

Moorcock Mirth #1 - Social Satire & Alternate Deity Creation

It is important to never forget that the works of Michael Moorcock also contain hefty doses of social satire and political criticism, originally anchored in the postwar British context, but growing ever more global. As many have noted, references to real world figures abound especially in the Hawkmoon books: 

Aside from retro-fitting 20th Century nations into his post-"Tragic Millennium" world, Moorcock also name-drops many historical figures of the past in the guise of "the old gods". For example, "Jhone, Jhorg, Phowl and Rhunga" are the dimly-remembered names of members of The Beatles. From the political world, "Chirshil, the Howling God" refers to Winston Churchill, "Aral Vilsn, the Roaring God" refers to British PM Harold Wilson, and "Pawl Bewchard" probably refers to the neo-fascist writer Paul Bouchard. Literary friends are also pseudo-cited: "Bjrin Adass, the Singing God" (Brian Aldiss), "Jeajee Blad, the Groaning God" (J. G. Ballard); "Jh'Im Slas, the Weeping God" (James Sallis).

(Reference HERE)

I think anyone wanting to run or play games nearer to Moorcock’s source fiction should, at times, lean into this. It is a good antidote to the over-seriousness of recent Fantasy, and harkens back to the counterculture roots of UK New Wave fiction.

Herein I’d like to give a few examples of deities or demons made using social satire. There are no stats, as these entities should not be beatable through mechanics or dice rolls, but by wit and roleplaying.

Deity # 1 - Nosnhoj Sirob

Description: A huge, straw-haired ape of a creature in a multihued clown suit, carrying a balloon with a constantly-changing array of words, such as ‘ME’, ‘Integrity’, and ‘Responsibility’

Image HERE

Powers: 

1. Summon Partygate - Nosnhoj can make a shimmering portal through which pours an unending stream of gibbering, chinless demonoids who make execrable noise while debauching on wine and space mead. Any mortals must make a CON save or else contract a fever from them.

2. Exit Reality - Nosnhoj can seal the area off from other planes, causing it to grow slowly poorer. Objects begin to breakdown, buildings begin to fall apart as long as this stays in effect.

Weakness - Nosnhoj simply HAS to be the center of attention, and if wily PCs can appeal to this vanity, they may cause him to commit an error that could get him exiled to Limbo.

Deity # 2 - D'lanod P’murt

Description: A corpulent entity with a golden haired pompadour atop its head, draped in a mantle of shimmering red, white, and blue.

Image HERE

Powers: 

1. Summon Deplorables  - Dainod can open a rift that lets in a throng of subhumans who attack any that oppose him, and desecrate any ideologically opposed holy site.

2. Art of the Steal - Dianod can take any object it desires from anywhere in the Multiverse and hide in Ogal A Ram, his fetid swamp castle, but only does so for his own inscrutable reasons.

Weakness - Dianod always has to be loved and be convinced that it is the best at or has the best of anything. Also, never thinks of repercussions for its actions, so can be tricked into offending higher powers.

Kanus Ihsir

Description:  Kanus is a smart looking man, six-armed man in an embroidered long jacket, with a rictus grin permanently on his face

Image HERE

1. Avoid Conflict - If any sort of argument or melee breaks out, Kanus simply evaporates and materializes elsewhere.

2. Gentry Flimflam - Nobles instantly believe anything Kanus tells them, regardless of how spurious or at odds with reality it may be.

Weakness: Kanus can never tell the truth, and so if smart player characters can force him into a conundrum, he may dematerialize for good.

How Call of Cthulhu Should Be Played

 THIS right here.

Brilliant stuff.

Is RPG Design Useful In Daily Life?

Resounding yes.

I'm reading my new credit card agreement.

These things always did my head in.

Now, it seems just like a badly explained 80's RPG. Phoenix Command eat your heart out.

There is not too much distance between x2 damage if you roll 1/10 of your attack skill and a Grace period of no interest (usually 14.9%) if you pay the balance in full within 25 days before the due date but a penalty of increased interest to 25.9% if 2 payments are missed in a one year period.

We joke a lot about 'gamer ADD', but maybe gaming is the cure for my ADD?

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming...

To Tanelorn

 Should we go to Tanelorn?

(Looks at the 3 who are 1)

On second thought, let's not. It is a bit of a silly place.

About That Princess In The Tower... Random Table

I'm watching Doc McStuffins with little man.
There is a princess who doesn't want to be rescued, who wants to do everything a knight can.

I love it. Good for her!

It has inspired the following Random Table (staple of the old OSR)

About that princess in the tower, she's actually... (roll d10)

1 A hag, transformed into a princess but looking for a meal. Claw claw bite while looking gorgeous!
2 A wizardess just wanting to be left alone to research spells. Bug off or its magic missile time...
3 Seven dwarves, the princess is long gone. They could use some help clearing out their diamond mines, though.
4 Six petrified knights, the princess is long gone with lucky number seven. Find a way to unfreeze them and there might be a great reward, or big adventure.
5 A giant mimic in the shape of a tower, eats anyone who tries to enter. Use the stats of a big monster (purple worm?) and start rolling dice...
6 A real princess, but there's a one in a million chance one of you murder hoboes can wake her. Roll 7d10 ONCE, if they are all 1 then one of you is the lucky stiff. Wake her up and marry her and you're a king!
7 A hag, but with a heart of gold and looking for love. She'll play along until the wedding night, then confess her true form. She'll be a loyal NPC if loved, an adversary if scorned.
8 A princess, but she just wants to adventure and rescue people. Could she tag along and learn the ropes?
9 A prince, but wouldn't mind one of you handsome adventurers putting him over your shoulder!
10 An alien princess in silvery dress. When awoken, the exits shut, the tower rocks, spews smoke outside, then blasts off. Next stop, her planet! Time to start Googling Spelljammer...

Two more weeks of online teaching then I suppose I'll be shooting out at a decent speed again.

TED

Making the Gameworld Calendar Matter

We live our lives with one eye on the calendar. Yet in RPGs, generally no one but the DM gives a shit about what day of what month it is. The average fantasy world calendar is just as useful as the French revolutionary calendar today.

Here are two ways that will make your players pay attention to the calendar.

Trick # 1 - Blame it on the weather

Just as us modern monkeys live with one eye on the calendar, we live with the other on the Weather Channel. I surmise 99.9% of any RPGers out there have read The Lord of the Rings, and know why Gandalf and crew turned back from the mountain passes and braved the deathtrap Moria - bad weather. Sure it was meddled with, but the fact stands that weather can ruin the most perfect of adventures. Have PCs bake in the summer sun (and run out of water), shiver in autumn winds (until they find cloaks), and bunker down when the snow hits the ground (or else recreate the Donner party). This will teach them that spring is when a person's fancy turns to adventuring, at least until the first flash flood hits.

Trick # 2 - Holiday, celebrate, run for your life!

Children especially measure the passage of time by the approach of holidays, and most can tell you exactly how many days till Christmas or their birthday. Here are a few fantasy holidays that are worth having in your world.

AUTUMN - All Souls Eve (Obon or Night of Hungry Ghosts in Oriental campaigns)
On this day the dead return to watch over loved ones or to do unfinished business, the undead can talk, but are peaceful unless the covenant is broken. Now's the time to ask the dead questions...

WINTER - Krampusnacht
Ah Christmas, the night when the Jolly Old Elf visits every household and gives presents to the good and eats the bad. Evil characters better do a good deed to put their name in the right ledger, or else be off world when Krampus makes its rounds, while the good might find just that piece of equipment they needed in their stocking.

SPRING - Carnival
With the return of life to the land the townsfolk come out to dance, drink, eat, and beat the shit out of one another. On this day all hierarchical relations are reversed, wizards must carry swords & abstain from magic, fighters must wear gowns and abstain from violence, thieves must give to the poor and needy, and clergy just leave religion at home, get shitfaced and have a good time. Breaking these customs is a taboo punishable by a knock to the head and time in the stocks.

SUMMER - Festival of Fireballs
To beat the heat, townsfolk gather by a cool river or lake, drink chilled wine, and watch the Wizardworks. Rival magicians from all over converge to flaunt their Fireballs, Mass Illusions, and Prismatic Sprays across the sky for the adulation of the masses who they usually ignore or zap. No one knows why they do this, whether for prestige, to please their patrons, or just because wizards are cray cray.

OTHERS
Considering that D&D is the elephant in the room, here are some extra holidays based on the alignment system you could sprinkle into your game calendar. These can also be great adventure seeds or hints for players.

LAWFUL or GOOD - Day of Feathers
Angels come down to earth and walk amidst mortals on the streets of a holy city. Woe to any but the pure of heart, while those good souls who have done righteous deeds make have questioned answered or ask for divine aid in their next holy mission.

CHAOTIC or EVIL - Purge Night
Just like in the movies or the Rick & Morty episode, the warped townsfolk put on demonic masks and mercilessly slaughter anyone they want for 24 hours. PCs can either join in the fun or wander in innocently and end up trying to stay alive for the duration, with the moral conundrum of whether to slaughter a whole town or not.

NEUTRAL - The Green Time
An animal gives itself for slaughter & feasting to neutral townsfolk, but a child must be slain in return. Strangers are considered as children, so are welcome with open arms, or else must find a sacrificial substitute.

Finally, here are two more random holidays worth fixing the dates of on your calendar.

BLACK DAY OF MERCHANTS
Here it comes again! All overstock must be sold! Beat the crowds and be there to take advantage of these crazy deals in equipment magical and mundane! No theft is allowed anywhere in the vicinity this day, and anyone with sticky fingers will have to deal with the local Thieves' Guild and merchant-owned golem floorwalkers.

THE EXODUS PILGRIMAGE
A usually hostile race passes peacefully through lands of men & women once every x years to commemorate a past exodus. Gillmen  join a Hadj to a buried desert city, dark elves sneak into the aboveground city that birthed their race, to light candles or hordes of goblins bathe in the sewers of People Town. Remember that humans and pilgrims honour a pact of non-violence during this time, and woe betide anyone who breaks the sacred immemorial agreement.

Cheers!

Hooked on Harmon Quest

So I am hooked on THIS.

Dan Harmon's celebrity-studded roleplaying sessions. Complete with faux 80's style animations.
Besides being great entertainment (episode 4 made me laugh so hard my wife turned up her TV and scowled), it has some great tips for gaming. Although not everyone may like how the games are run or played, here is what I'd steal:

For DMs

Plot the adventure between points on a map
Allow one shot guests to shine
Value gear over gold
Only roll dice when absolutely necessary
Let players try anything
Keep your tongue in your cheek

For players

Contribute to either the game, the atmosphere, or both
Stay in character so long as it adds to the entertainment
Try anything but don't break the game
Roll with the punches

Anyway, off to Canada tomorrow! Hip hip hooray!

Shifting Stereotypes in GM Voices

Any GM worth his or her salt has done impressions. You may eschew or find them childish now, but at some game session you used a voice that wasn't your own, for good or ill, for once or forever.

Make no wonder. The players hunch around the table, waiting for you to bring the gameworld to life. You dive into onomatopoeia for the clang of swords or crash of dragon scales. You're improvising like mad, flailing your arms and chewing the scenery. It is only natural that you use different voices to differentiate NPCs, and only natural that these are based on your limited repertoire of experiences. So you steal a Scottish brogue for a dwarf here, or do your best Hugo Weaving for an elven king.

The problem isn't (mostly) that these impersonations are racist. Most are about as mildly offensive as Mike Myer's Shrek, and the rare racist, mean-spirited impression should rightly be condemned.

The problem is that most impressions are hackneyed, repetitive, and done to death. Scottish dwarven brogues, lisping posh elves, North Country hobbits, and piratey orcs are all dull, dull, dull.

It's past time to shake up these stereotypes, to shift to different voices if you like vocal improvisation. Shifting voices will refresh NPC interaction for you and your players, challenge your assumptions, and push your play into new directions.

Here are my suggestions for some new voices to shake up your game:

Dwarves - Serene Zen Japanese gardener craftsmen. Love jewels as art, not wealth. Berserker rage replaced by stoic banzai charge.

"Ah! See this slope? A work of art! That cornice - I am speechless! Truly it is worth death to see the precious beauty of this forgotten tomb! How dare these uncouth gaki befoul this sanctum! BANZAI!!"

Hobbits - Lector style cannibals. Consideration of food trumps any alignment or moral compass.

"Hmmmmm, rations running low. Lucky so many tall sources of meat walking around. All it needs is some fava beans and a glass of Chianti. Then fly fly, little halfling, back to home."

Humans - Loudmouth hucksters, always spouting the Domain Game as needed progress.

"Well sirree, this is the wasteland, but it has potential! I can see it now, after we clear out the temple, we move in a drygoods and an inn. Get captured goblins to build a stable and dig a well, but we get the xp. We get minstrels to spread word of the spot where Evil fell, charge admission, sell gnomish souvenirs, and plots of swampland! I tell you, human ingenuity will turn this ruin into a goldmine!"

Elves - Burt Reynolds' Gator inspired, bacco spitting,  moonshine-swigging rednecks. Fall of the elves remembered like the fall of Dixie.

"Shoot, I seen this a million times. You uppity new races comin' round where you ain't wanted. But I ain't no racist. (swigs moonwine). Double negative? That's a positive in High Elf, boy. I'd speak it 'cept y'alls too dumb to unnerstand it. (swigs again). Boy, you bet not be lookin' at my sister Laurie-Lie. Don't want no mixed blood half-elves kickin' round."

Half orcs - Pessimistic, fatalistic French Resistence fighters.

"My mother, she full orc, she hate me. My father he abandon me. Merde! Life, she is shit. But still I fight, to drink and, mais oui, to forget in the little death of inebriation."


Got any suggestions? Leave a comment.

This post is inspired by THIS post.

Words That Don't Exist in Common

Whew, what a month it’s been! In addition to teaching full time for a uni that thinks instructors are free as birds to do extracurricular activities of dubious educational merit, I’ve settled into the 4 hour daily commute and somehow finished the 80 page third chapter of my thesis. All the while being a loving husband and father, but admittedly my baby boy’s smile and the wife’s support were the only things that kept me going.

And I’m spent!

Not looking forward to the final deadline for the 300+ page opus in November, but it’s got to get done.

Now it’s time to blow out the cobwebs, read some good novels (starting with Hugh Howey’s ‘WOOL’), write some fiction and gaming stuff, and hopefully do some gaming (if you’re there Sunglasses Jerk, make it happen!).

Without further ado here is my first post back in the saddle for your fantasy game.

Words That Don’t Exist In Common

DWARVISH

Fraubarbicon – The moment when your wife’s beard intertwines with your own.

“I missed the departure because of a frubarbicon, but luckily I caught up with the party just as the goblins started their ambush and bushwhacked those bushwackers!”

ELVISH

Nuquerna Laisi – Deciding to change to a radically opposite alignment and/or class due to boredom with centuries of championing the same cause.

“You think I, Alyahs the Necromancer, killed Shayla the Championess of Isis? Foolish mortals! I WAS Shayla of Isis!”

ORCISH

Chubash chubash – A leader that is inept but is loved for their commitment towards violence and hasty ill-conceived action.

“Our charge on the knights broke our ranks and killed half our soldiers, as well as Chieftess Grokilla. She was true chubash chubash –never see the like again!”

HALFLING

Firdidlong – A day spent smoking pipeweed and drinking beer in a field while getting paid to do so. Considered a high cultural ideal.

“I had always successfully avoided work with the town militia or guards until one day my uncle Figtoe volunteered me. I was right angry at first, until I learned our mission was a complete firdidlong!”

TROLL

Urk flam dang iya! – Taking so much regenerated damaged that you would have preferred the fire.

“Men women dwarf elf wizard in rain, dark. Jump down smash bash. Rain rain no torch. Stab stabbity crush crush, arrow arrow arrow missile. Thinks Urk flam dang iya!”

HUMAN

Demiposer – Inferiority complex to demihumans, resulting in weird haircuts that mimic long ears, ill fitting clothes or incongruous lifestyle choices to emulate them

“The way he cut little triangles in his hair above the ears and starved himself all the time – what a demiposer…”

THRI KEEN

T’chik chik BLAT – A human(oid) so infuriating you wish you wore shoes so you could squish them.

“Mmmmm, human female cleric, chattik, heal humans not me, chattik, screams at giant insects, insulting and lose surprise, chattik. T’chik chik BLAT.”

NEO-OTYUGH

Burble urp de livre – The euphoric feeling of bathing in liquefied feces all day while reading a good book.

“Burble urp de livre is nice work if you can get it, but most privies under castles nowadays offer only the hardest rain of excrement pellets and at best a few soiled pages of the Farmer’s Almanac.”

Rogues & Rouges

I don't know why this bothers me so much, but can we make an effort to stop writing 'rouge' when we mean 'rogue'?

Rouge is a red color beloved of old lady lipstick, rhymes with luge, the winter sport.

Rogue rhymes with Kylie Minogue, is the hottest X-men, and is your beloved rascal thief or spy.

Trust me, it is a little thing but mistaking it looks so bad.

Non-D&D RPG ‘March Madness’ – Day 12, Comedy in RPGs

Other blogs can be found HERE.

The questions can be found HERE.

12 What humorous RPG have you enjoyed most? Give details.

This question actually requires three answers – which game is funny to read, which is funny to play, and which succeeds at both.

I’ve mentioned Violence the RPG as a great, scathingly witty read, but one which the author himself admits may not be playable. The OSR gem Small But Vicious Dog is another great read, but is ultimately just D&D spliced with Warhammer, and a DM who could get this across would likely have to make the effort with a fake Cockney accent and some Games Workshop goblin miniatures.

Alternately, many Palladium games like Rifts and TMNT make you laugh out loud as you play a nunchaku wielding hamster assassin, but are written with (mostly) sober intentions.

The only game that was both a hilarious read AND gaming experience was the one and only Paranoia. How this game ever got made is beyond me, as it is far too innovative and light-hearted to exist nowadays in this age of focus groups and playtesting and new products rollouts.

Maybe it was an eighties thing – TOON also comes from this period.

As a player, I remember joyfully backstabbing and being cut down by the other clones, with none of the hurt feelings of D&D or other games. When I ran Paranoia, I spent whole sessions improvising encounters where PCs were issued wrong-coloured gear, or were spray-painted by a robot, or else received a welcome card from their secret society in front of other players. We rarely got to the ‘adventure,’ and didn’t care if we did or not.

The tension of trying to hide one’s mutant power and secret society membership was palpable, as was the psychotic joy of mowing down or being gunned down by your fellows. Whereas in many games players avoid reading the weighty rulebook, the art and snappy prose of Paranoia meant that the rulebook was always lent out to someone in the group.

Not that we referenced the rules anyway. That wasn’t the point of Paranoia – the play was the thing! I think people may underestimate how good a game Paranoia was and dismiss it as a joke , when in fact the dystopian setting and character secrets drew you right in and made playing the game elbow storytelling to the side.

More game designers should be inspired by Paranoia, and more young players should do themselves a favour and give it a shot.

Underdark Bath Salts

Underdark Bath Salts

From Underdark Anthropological Notes by Emile the Wayward Bard

To surface dwellers, or ‘Surfies’ as the denizens of the Underdark call them, the manners and customs of the peoples of the world below may seem inscrutable. Vendettas may be carried out in cold blood in a gnomish city before the very noses of guardsmen, but woe to the sticky fingered traveler who steals from a shop in their bailiwick! Similarly, the only time the various bipedal tribes cease slaying, enslaving, or exploiting one another seems to be when an outsider breaks some minor custom, then they band together with unbreakable oaths of loyalty, unswerving devotion, and unbeatable cunning until the interloper is brought low before going back to their mutual massacre.

Come to think of it, in some ways they may not be so different from the surface kingdoms…

One Underdweller custom that Surfies would do well to know is that of communal baths. Underfolk love their hot water, and will take any opportunity to slip into one of the myriad geothermal pools that dot the underscape and soak away the worry and bother that comes with living in a permanently dark labyrinth of endless caverns brimming with carnivorous monsters and cruel races. Bathing in such a pool soothes the mind and has minor restorative properties for the body (removes stun or confusion effects OR gives one healing surge or cure light wounds, usable once per day, water loses potency when removed from the pool).

Such bathing spots are governed by a tacit set of rules against bloodshed or mayhem, which is believed to sully the waters and reduce their healing properties. It is not uncommon to see races lined up patiently waiting for their turn to take a dip, unconsciously placing themselves in an order balancing time or arrival with place in the hierarchy of Underdark races. Gear is left undisturbed, for stealing from a bather is a taboo none would dare break.

Breakers of this bath truce can expect to find themselves set upon by inconvenienced hominids, and refused service or even entry to Underdark communities.

Besides knowing the rules, it is useful if not even life-saving to know the bathing habits of Underdark races. Many underfolk carry bathing salts or powders that give addition benefits and sprinkle these in the waters before entering. The salts usually dissipate with 1 to 4 hours, but the effects last much longer for the bathers. Here are a few of the most commonly known Underdark bathing salts:

Drow Dip – Used by Drow and Ettenfolk, this grayish powder is made from a mixture of dried spider venoms, to which these races are immune. Dipping in the mixture keeps minor vermin and pests away for 24 hours or until washed clean. If a pest such as a rot grub, giant tick, carrion crawler of something similar tries to feast on the bather, it must save vs. poison or die for every attack it makes. Any creature not Drow or Ettenfolk bathing in Drow Dip must make the same roll. Drow Dip is sold in Drow cities and fetches a fair price due to the difficulty of mixing.

Dwarf Dusting – Used by Dwarves, Duergar, Deep Ones, Gnomes, Sniblerlfiblin, and any similar industrious underfolk. This sparkling powder is made of crushed gemstones and minerals, and bathing in it confers a protective covering on the bather’s skin. The effect is as a Stoneskin or similar spell and lasts half a day or until washed off. Races other than the aforementioned are unused to moving with the extra dermal layer, and thus move with difficulty (minus 1 to Dex) and also inadvertently wear the protection off quicker, in 1 to 6 hours. The Dusting is horrendously expensive and usually only carried by dwarves on royal business traveling through dangerous underlands.

Kobold Kreme – This disgusting olive coloured crème is made from oils and unguents made from Kobold bodily waste and fermented entrails of certain animals, and each kobold tribe has its own special recipe for the kreme. The kreme seeps into the bather’s pore and makes them inedible to creatures, who must make a moral roll or save as against a fear spell when they smell or taste the kreme. Non kobolds who attempt to bathe in the kreme for some insane reason must make the same saves. The effect lasts 2 days to a week, in which time other hominids will avoid the kremed, who will also be refused entry in any respectable community or establishment. The kreme isn’t worth anything.

Zombie Bath Salts – Underdark necromancers created this white ash that has two main effects – it keeps the undead fresh (heal any damage taken OR gain one extra hit dice), and also makes living subjects susceptible to suggestion (as a charm spell). The effects last a week, after which undead return to normal and the living throw off the effects of the susceptibility. Unscrupulous slavers have also been known to lure unwary travelers into bathing in the salts by use of a zombified pool party of rotting beauties. The salt is made from elements grotesque and arcane, and fetches a decent price among slavers and death wizards. However, being caught using the salt on unsuspecting bathers usually results in an instant death sentence carried out instantly by whoever is near at hand and anyone else within earshot.